FREE TIME FUN

I am a person who, although easily entertained, often finds himself in a state of boredom. Unfortunately, idle hands are the devil's workshop. Fortunately, I'm not quite as crazy as everybody thinks. Here are a few of the thoughts that cross into my mind while I'm bored and letting my mind wander into dark alleys, beating all the worthwhile thoughts into submission and kicking hobos. Many of these are hazardous to your continued way of life, and therefore not recommended; i.e. don't try this at home kids.

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Get a red sharpie marker. (preferably one of the jumbo ones, just for effect.) Go into a public restroom. Open a stall door. Step into the stall. You'll find that it's covered in graffiti, fowl language, and worst of all: horrible spelling and grammar. Correct and grade all the stalls in the bathroom, don't forget to leave teacher's comments on the particularly interesting bits, like: "Anonymous, I find your allusions to raping small fuzzy creatures to be somewhat amusing, but you really should seek mental help."

Shoulder check and/or flying tackle one of the people in the giant costumes at a restaraunt. I suggest Red Robin, because it's a nicer place, and a 'family' restaraunt, though McDonalds is nice as well. McDonald's redeeming quality is that the only time you'll see one of their large characters is at a child's birthday party. An opportune moment, if I may say so myself. Just be sure you've got a getaway ride; I'm sure that's not what people would consider legal.

Get a monster truck. Drive it down the highway. If anybody gets in your way, just run them over. If cops start chasing, all you've got to do is throw that puppy in reverse! Though, it's adviseable that you get some sort of anti-aircraft weaponry for the helicopters they'll likely send after you. Monster trucks. That's travelling in style.

Hand out condoms in an elementary school playground. I suggest "ribbed for her pleasure" and "lubed."

You know those little vaccuum sealers they use to suck all the air out of something and compact it all nice and neat for storage? Put a squirrel in. The resulting compacted ball of fur can easily be considered art. I'm sure you can sell it in a New York auction for millions.

Public showers: While nobody's watching of course, remove the showerheads. Fill them with hair dye and put them back on. I recommend putting them in some sort of container that will dissolve slowly, so they won't notice it right away.

Potato cannons are an amazing thing. If you have a big one, you can shoot just about anything out of it. Whole dead squid sounds sort of fun. Think of it, you're walking down the street and all of a sudden you've got a face full of mollosc tentacles.

You'll need a friend for this. Get a leash, put it around their neck, have them walk on all fours around the public park of your choosing. Follow several minutes later in a dog suit, walking upright, asking if anybody's seen your master.

Find out the location of a KKK rally. Before anybody arrives, re-route their sound-system to your own stereo. Set it to play fun things, like the draydl song (oh draydl draydl draydl, I made it out of clay . . .) and MLK jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speach.

The next time you're grocery shopping, see if you can get your fifty item list in less than ten minutes. You can bring your family to cheer you on at one of the registers, like one of those shopping sprees. Be sure to run. The effect is heightened if you have a toddler in the shopping cart.

Put a lawn mower engine and some wheels on your refrigerator. Drive around town in it. For added effect, put some rear-view mirrors and bumper stickers on it.

This one requires a friend too, and works best during the holiday season. Dress up as santa. Have your friend dress up as an elf. Have your friend chase you through the mall with a club, screaming about labor laws and the union.

Dump thousands of super-balls over a highway overpass.

Dress up as a giant chicken nugget, and stand outside McDonalds with a picket sign that says "Use real meat, you're putting chickens out of jobs!"

Hydrophobe convention. Hot air balloon. Water balloons. You figure out the rest.

On an airplane, once you're in the air. The captain will do one of his little "this is the captain speaking" messages. Ass soon as you hear "this is the captain," Scream "OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE!!" and put your head between your knees and your hands on your head.

Find a house that has a child selling lemonade in front. Go to the front in the black suit and tie of an IRS agent. Tell them that the child hasn't been paying taxes, and is running an unlicensed business, and he'll be audited. Have another friend show up a little later claiming to be with the FBI. Tell the parents that they're under arrest for harboring a fugitive of the law, and that unless they turn over their child so he can be tried for financial fraud, he'll have to take them into custody.

Walk through a fast food drive-thru holding a cardboard cutout of a car door, and making car sounds.

Run through a busy part of town in a straight jacket, followed by several friends dressed as attendants. When you get to a stop light, have the entire party stop and wait patiently for the light to change, maybe chat with the 'escapee' a bit, then resume chase when the light turns green.

Leave several rolls of toilet paper on someone's doorstep with a note that says, "Please TP your own house, I've several other houses to do and no time to do it myself."

For an entire week, make every decision using a magic 8 ball.

Watch a porno while you're babysitting a total stranger's kids.

Catch several badgers. Put them in a gunny sack. Shake it up, kick it a little, get them all riled up so it's a raging gunny sack of teeth, claws, and fur. release the badgers in a crowded theatre. I recommend setting up a video camera beforehand.

Try the above with a sack full of squirrels, simply because squirrels are inherently funny creatures. Plus, it's fun to say "Run away, the squirrels are after your eyes!"

Go to an adult store. Purchase a "marital aid." Go to a grocery store, the one where all the old people shop. (I know you have one, every town does.) Put the marital aid at the bottom of their shopping cart when they're not watching. Follow them to the checkout counter. Watch both their reaction, and that of the clerk.

Buy strange things at a store. Record the results. May I suggest: Whipped cream, a cucumber, and a single plastic bag? Rubber band optional.

Draw on the guards' faces at the Royal Palace in London . . . using the red sharpie you used in the bathroom stalls earlier. (I'm not sure that that's not assault on an officer, might want to check on that.)

Put a capacitor in a urinal. That'll drain one cap. The next capacitor you put in will retain it's charge. Urine is an excellent conductor . . .