ATOMIC

Sailors in Dresses
Copywrite © 2004 Doc Atomic

I've heard, often, that woman's clothing is uncomfortable. Actually, truth be told, I've heard or been told a lot more than that about woman's clothing. How most of it 'must have been designed by a man'. About how the sizes for woman's clothing is about as consistent as world politics. How it rides up on you, and how for the sake of looking good a woman has to put up with a fair amount of discomfort. All for the sake of us male pigs. Hell, I've even heard that there is a size zero in women's clothing. I'm not sure how a number originally designed to mean nothing can be used to define something that is definitely, well, not nothing at any rate, but I digress.

Which is what rants are all about, when I'm involved. Digression.

But that's beside the point. Which is the point. I think.

Let me back up here.

We will go back to woman's clothing being uncomfortable. I wouldn't know, not having ever worn any. And, even if I was inclined to, one might say that my opinion is worthless in the area, being as I'm not a woman. Despite all this, I would like to put forth the notion that woman's clothing, however uncomfortable it may or may not be to the woman, probably does not hold a candle to how uncomfortable a sailor is in his uniform.

Despite decades of advancement-let me start over. No, despite CENTURIES of available advancement from which the United States Navy could pull data from in order to help design a uniform better suited for our sailors, what do they do? Despite being able to look at the uniforms of the other branches of service, and say, 'now that is a respectable, polite uniform', what do they do?

No, not the dog. The other guy. He's saluting. Yes, that guy.

Now, of course, the gentle reader may be wondering what's so wrong with that. Of course, I'll tell you. The uniform is made out of wool, and is incredibly inflexible. The top of the uniform is a single piece. No zippers or buttons, and it's made to fit. And by 'fit', I really mean 'once put on'. And once on, sure enough, it does fit alright. Oftentimes it's a bit snug, but nothing that can't be tolerated. However, putting the uniform on is often as much of an adventure as a sailor can get in a day, struggling and fighting to get arms to fit into their arms at the same time one is trying to squeeze his or her torso into the uniform. While this can be amusing to watch, like many things that are amusing to watch, it's at someone else's suffering. And then they get to laugh at me when I take my turn at the maneuver.

That's just the top; the pants are where the real problem is. Forget zippers; the Navy, instead of using a bit of modern design, went with a uniform design that dates back to the very early days of our nation's Navy. In the back, it has strings to lace the uniform up with. In front, it has 13 buttons to keep things together. Now, for this uniform, climbing in and out is not that much hassle; sure, you have to button 13 buttons and get the lacing just right, but that's just tedious and time consuming. Once on is where the problem comes in…the pants fit so tight, it's a miracle sailors are still capable of speaking afterwards. So we march around, perform ceremonies in, and most fun of all, salute in this awful uniform. Look up the definition of uncomfortable, and one might see a picture of Johny Q. Sailor standing there during a ceremony, saluting some (much more comfortably clothed) admiral strutting by. [Editor's Note: And some people wonder why the sailors are always scowling in those pictures.]

The best part of this uniform is going to take a piss. Imagine having to fiddle with thirteen buttons, none of which are really anxious to be removed from their spots, after having to 'hold it' for half an hour or more.

Some of us have put forth the theory that the REAL idea behind the uniform design isn't so much 'tradition' as much as it is the Navy wanted to test a kind of chastity belt on it's members. I can easily see a woman losing interest after having to fiddle with 13 buttons.

And that's just the dress uniform. I could go on about the other uniforms as well, which are, of course, about as well designed, but I have reached the point of this 'rant'. (Actually, in all fairness, the summer uniforms aren't bad). So, women, the next time you see a sailor steadfastly standing his post and performing his duty, remember that he too understands what it is like to suffer all day in clothing that was obviously designed by someone who didn't like humans much. I think that's worth stopping, talking to him, and maybe having dinner with him.

So long as it isn't me. I'm engaged. However, I have a buddy who could stand some company…

-Dr. Atomic, who certainly isn't trying to get anyone a date