DANIEL

It's a recurring theme in my articles, what with only having one other (officially) issue of the zine having been “published,” to bring to light a solution to the larger problems the world is facing. Today I'm killing two birds with one stone. World hunger, and overpopulation. The solution is so simple, it's a miracle it hasn't already been instituted: cannibalism. You take India and China, take half of their populations, and feed them to Africa. I admit, there are a few pros and cons to this. The obvious pros are going to be that we have fewer commercials telling me that a penny a day can buy me a starving ethiopian's happiness. If I wanted that, I'd send him a condom. Also, we have far fewer people complaining about China's immense power and military/economical threat. If there are fewer sneakers and happy meal toys coming out of the place, then people will have to resort to shoddy american craftsmanship!

It won't even be difficult, and won't cost any more than our usual shipments of penut butter and wheat. We just start shipping from grossly overpopulated countries instead of the US. No big deal there. The problem that I see arising is that once the African people get a taste for human flesh, they might start trying to eat the marines providing the sustainence. But I've thought agead. We need to somehow poison the marines, so that they'll kill the africans if they're eaten. I suggest arsenic. Now, that raises the issue of how you're going to get the arsenic into the marines without them dying too. Perhaps instead of some sort of injection or dietary supplement, a simple surger could be performed, providing the marines with small plastic bubbles filled with arsenic implanted in their muscle tissue. We'll just tell them not to flex too hard.

There are the ethical issues involved in this too. Some people, for whatever reason, feel that cannibalism isn't a wholesome family activity. And results in a degrading of the human spirit and destruction of civilization. Have you looked at a somalian villiage before? If that's civilized my name is Alberto, and it's not. Furthermore, some sources suggested that the Asians wouldn't appreciate being a key part of someone's efforts in restoring balance to nature. I dont' think it would really matter, after all, dead men can't talk.