DANIEL

Demons
Copywrite © 2003 Daniel Ball

Don't let them fool you. No matter what anybody around you says, I know the truth, and I'm here to disseminate it. You hate the French, right? But you can't put your finger on exactly why you hate them so. I have learned the truth! The French are really a demon army, spawned from the depths of hell, preparing to conquer the world in one fell swoop. Napoleon's failed attempt was the first attempt. It would have worked, but the strong and copacetic accent of the Russians countered the nasal screeching of the French demons. I beseech you to heed my warning now, the next assault on our world from the Demon Lands may be the last.

You may believe that I'm over exaggerating, but I have proof of the true nature of these Demons. We begin with the smell, nay the overpowering stench of the French. Why is it that the French smell so awful? The popularly held belief is that the French simply have poor hygiene habits compared to an average American. Some would even compare their personal standards of cleanliness on par with a peasant from the dark ages. I'd say that's unfair to the peasants, at least they bathed once every month or so. Though a logical explanation, it's not accurate. The truth of the matter is that odor seeps into the very pores of their demon hides through the hidden portals throughout their evil-emanating landscape. If you ever find one of these portals, I advise you to steer clear. Even if you manage to survive the putrid stench oozing from the portal, you'll be driven insane as your nose's self preservation instinct kicks in and it tries to flee from the offending smell, with or without your face attached.

The stench of the French (I made a rhyme!) isn't the only proof of the vile nature of the demon people. Take the hair, for example. These people have more body hair than a gorilla. Don't go trying to blame it on not shaving either. Normal humans who don't shave don't look like they've regressed on the evolution tree, they just look like they haven't shaved in a while. The truth of the matter is that the French Dimension where these demons come from is actually very hot, so when they came into this world, they grew excess body hair to keep their bodies at a temperature they're accustomed to.

The snobby behavior comes to mind as well, doesn't it? There are plenty of cocky people in the world, all believing that they are better than everybody else but the French take it to a new extreme. This is because they're not only of a different race and country, they're an entirely different species! They hate foreigners, yes. A large part of their reasoning for this is of course their feeling of superiority, being demons and all, but the reason they don't like foreign visitors is because they're afraid that they'll learn their secrets and their plans will be. Take up arms my brethren, take up arms and take them before they take you, fight for your freedom, FIGHT FOR HUMANITY!